The Canonical List of Telephone Answering Machine Messages

Feb 7 18:58

Subject: The Canonical List of Telephone Answering Machine Messages The Canonical List of Telephone Answering Machine Messages "Hi! I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am..." *beep* ---------------------------------------------------- "You've reached the B&D hotline. All our operators are tied-up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance." ---------------------------------------------------- (1) "Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine. (etc.)" (2) "Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise - open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me to tell me?" Also, something you might do after you've had the machine for a few months is start answering in person with "Hello, this is a live voice." (Variation on a theme by "The Cosby Show".) Or you could try answering your own phone with "Hello, is Ron there?" ---------------------------------------------------- "We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval." ---------------------------------------------------- "You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day." ---------------------------------------------------- "Hello?" <pause for a few seconds> "Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you." ---------------------------------------------------- "Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can." ---------------------------------------------------- [imitating Ensign Chekov] "Oh, was *Khan*! He made us say things...he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can!" <BEEP> ---------------------------------------------------- [imitating Mr. Rogers] "Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure...I knew you could." <BEEP> ---------------------------------------------------- Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if... Matt: Steve, what are you doing? Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn. Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn. Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing with that frying pan?!? BONK [really loud thud] Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number. ---------------------------------------------------- "Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?" ---------------------------------------------------- "This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later." ---------------------------------------------------- "Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......" ---------------------------------------------------- A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while the STAR TREK theme plays in the background. 1: Room 17, the final frontier. 2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2 semester mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number. 3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. ---------------------------------------------------- (Annoying flute music in background) Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim. ---------------------------------------------------- "Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name ...", etc. ---------------------------------------------------- "Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer." ---------------------------------------------------- In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music <In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. <Beep> ---------------------------------------------------- Hi this is <name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back. ---------------------------------------------------- A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER." ---------------------------------------------------- I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the phone with: " Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking." " Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG) " Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?" " Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct: T minusone minute and counting" And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with that phone. "Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?" ( "Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits. ---------------------------------------------------- <Phone Rings> Noisy pick-up of phone Uh...<wisperingly> Hello? Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live? ---------------------------------------------------- But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message. Feh! ---------------------------------------------------- [Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. ---------------------------------------------------- This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious ...} ---------------------------------------------------- The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. ---------------------------------------------------- Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast. ---------------------------------------------------- Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was: "This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message." Really confused people. ---------------------------------------------------- A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.... ------------------------------------------------ Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over <loud music cuts in>...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ..shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...<beep> ------------------------------------------------ Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible. ------------------------------------------------ "Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine. This is the Eighties. You know what to do." ------------------------------------------------ My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. ------------------------------------------------ Ring, Ring: The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA! ------------------------------------------------ "Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..." ------------------------------------------------ One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a rather interesting one: Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating at all different pitches} ------------------------------------------------ Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we usually used during exam time was: {background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud} Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now... { BJ screams PRESSURE!!! } So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end date) { BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! } ------------------------------------------------ My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great recording (call after 5 pm for the message). [Give it try! -pZ] ------------------------------------------------ <Ring> In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans. <Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'llget back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep> You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one... ------------------------------------------------ [b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented] "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave a message..." etc. ------------------------------------------------ [the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush] (after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers. please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before the beep.) ------------------------------------------------ (Spoken in a granny voice) "Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot." Must be spoken in a drawl. ------------------------------------------------ Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but... >From Calvin and Hobbes: (phone rings) (you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza with extra anchovies. (other person) What? (you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number. (hang up) Make everyone's day a little more surreal. ------------------------------------------------ "I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? ------------------------------------------------ In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. [sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex] But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... [sound effect: dial tone] Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops,it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! ------------------------------------------------ "Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call". ------------------------------------------------ However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day per year: "This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after the holiday." No one wants to admit not having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves me no bad news or requests for favors. ------------------------------------------------ "This is David. Talk." ------------------------------------------------ "Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one." ------------------------------------------------ [with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...] "Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can." ------------------------------------------------ "Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number..." ------------------------------------------------ "Hello?" <pause for a few seconds> "Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you." ------------------------------------------------ (woman taped off a "phone sex" service) WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ... YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone.. (then ask for a message) ------------------------------------------------ Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine: "Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually." BEEP My favorite post quake message: "Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got." ------------------------------------------------ "Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner." ------------------------------------------------ of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back. (this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.) ------------------------------------------------ "Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges." ------------------------------------------------ "Speak, worm!" <beep> Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice. ------------------------------------------------ "You know what to do at the tone." <beep> ------------------------------------------------ "Hello?" <beep> This confuses anyone who doesn't know you. ------------------------------------------------ "Hello, I'm not here." <beep> A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with "Okay, that's all I wanted to know." ------------------------------------------------ Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. <beep> ------------------------------------------------ One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine. Another voice: Nobody expects an answrering machine. Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number. Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And message. (damn) Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. And time you called. Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so just wait for the beep. ------------------------------------------------ (in an Italian mafia-style tone:) "Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_ from_Guido! ( a little laughter )... " ------------------------------------------------ (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment) I just left home baby I'll be out fer a spell and if you don't leave a message baby you can go to <BEEP> ------------------------------------------------ Hello, this is <insert your name here>. I'm home right now, and in a few moments, I'll have a decision to make. BEEEP! ------------------------------------------------ [Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.] You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you. [Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.] ------------------------------------------------ Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. ------------------------------------------------ One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes: The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP ------------------------------------------------ FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES...... ~~~ ------------------------------------------------ Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern... ------------------------------------------------ How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!! ------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. ------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you... ------------------------------------------------ Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! ------------------------------------------------ After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding. ------------------------------------------------ Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ------------------------------------------------ As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the telephone is next to an answering machine... you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... you hear a beep... ------------------------------------------------ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. ------------------------------------------------ No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! ------------------------------------------------ This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. ------------------------------------------------ Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72... ------------------------------------------------ [Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave a message... leave a message... etc. ------------------------------------------------ Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. ------------------------------------------------ [For Shakespeare lovers only] So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. ------------------------------------------------ [VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. ------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. ------------------------------------------------ Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! ------------------------------------------------ Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry. ------------------------------------------------ C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go! ------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. ------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you. ------------------------------------------------ Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. ------------------------------------------------ Ok, One more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... ..Any questions? ------------------------------------------------ Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number. ------------------------------------------------ <beep, beep, beep> The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. [Use your number here.] has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone. ------------------------------------------------ HANS: This is Hans FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to... BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up HANS: But we are not at home, you know FRANZ: Ya, we are gone HANS: If you want us to... BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up HANS: You will leave a message after the beep FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman. HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to.. BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up ------------------------------------------------ "Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where *YOU* saw Elvis!" ------------------------------------------------ "Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep. " ------------------------------------------------ In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety degrees and try your call again." A few people even got the joke... ------------------------------------------------ "You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-important." ------------------------------------------------ "Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?" "Lucifer speaking, who in the hall do you want?" "Heaven, God speaking." "Bridge, Kirk here." "City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!" ------------------------------------------------ "Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell." ------------------------------------------------ "I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they here a busy signal." ------------------------------------------------ If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can't come to the phone right now Otherwise, we probably aren't at home. ------------------------------------------------ The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again! ------------------------------------------------ This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. ------------------------------------------------ " I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "I'm ........ "And I'm" <the guy whose answering machine it was> " We're not home; leave a message." He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded very funny. ------------------------------------------------ "Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic FilmsUnlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screentests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late JohnHolmes in our upcoming feature film "It's Not the Size That Counts butWhether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling." ------------------------------------------------ Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound like the machine is broken:(start, low pitch, slow) "Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy.... (middle, normal) .home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home... (later, high pitch, fast) .butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... (end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish) .kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!" ------------------------------------------------ This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. ------------------------------------------------ "E'llo." "My name is Inigo Montonya." "You killed my father." "Leave your name and number, and prepare to die." <beep> ------------------------------------------------ My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also from this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes something like: "I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity." ------------------------------------------------ The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's speech sythesizer. It's set up as a dialog between two distict, but recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it. ----- 1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now. 2> Yeah, nobody but us machines! 1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number... 2> ...and a message! You forgot about the message! 1> Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back. 2> ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug! ------------------------------------------------ I taped theoperator saying "we're sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer is service..." ------------------------------------------------ From Halloween this year: (Ominous electronic background music.) Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII... ------------------------------------------------ (French monologue in the background) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non". ------------------------------------------------ Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone... ------------------------------------------------ Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge. ------------------------------------------------ (click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP) ------------------------------------------------ (Use a strong east Indian accent) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of (...). I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name andwhich lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you whenthe stars align properly. ------------------------------------------------ Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm... (heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh! Sorry, I can't come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the (scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm. ------------------------------------------------ <Cackle> That's right! This is an answering machine! In a few seconds, YOU'RE gonna have to leave a message! Then we'll listen to it and decide whether or not we like you anymore! So make it GOOD... ---------------------------------------------------- (Background music: Something psychotic sounding, like Revolution 9 (Beatles) or Toccata (ELP)) Hello, you have reached the <Housing Complex> Psychatric Ward. <Residents> aren't here right now, so LEARN HOW TO COPE WITH IT! (Gasp) Leave a message at the beep, and we'll discuss your case. Thanks for calling... NOW GO AWAY! Hahahahahaha oof... <chair falling over> ---------------------------------------------------- (Background: Something spacy, like "A Saucerful Of Secrets" by Pink Floyd.) (Try to sound like Carl Sagan.) Who are you? Where do you come from? Why are you here? (Normal voice) I don't have the answer to these questions, but you can give ME the answers at the beep. ---------------------------------------------------- "At the sound of the tone, you will be charged $10 for the first minute and $2 for each additional minute. Please leave your name, phone number and a message. You may call as often as you wish." ---------------------------------------------------- "ahhhhhhhhh...hhhhhhhhhhhhh (heavy breathing sounds, like an obcene phone call) Oh, shit, you called me! Sorry, leave your name and number at the beep." ---------------------------------------------------- "Hello, this is John's refrigerator, his answering machine's not working right now, so leave a name and number and we'll get back to you." (uses a back-woods slow drawl type voice) ---------------------------------------------------- "This is an answerin' machine, this machine is designed to take full advantage of its numerous capabilities. Please say what you wanted to talk about and why did ya call me anyhow? Wait for the tone to sound, and leave yer message after the beep." ---------------------------------------------------- (uses pompous John Houseman {prof. Kingsfield} type voice) "It appears Reynaldo has again failed to answer the phone so you'll just have to leave a message. Right now I'm off to find Reynaldo and probably fire him." ---------------------------------------------------- Use a pretty much regular message but end it with "And, remember, this machine cannot hurt you--over the phone." ---------------------------------------------------- "Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm *so* depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, yet all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep." ---------------------------------------------------- "Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done .... {Cachunk!}" ---------------------------------------------------- "Joe and Fred can't come to the phone now because: (1) Were at an orgy (2) Terrorists have taken over the building (3) We saw GOD (4) The FBI busted our fraterinty /* BIG news around here lately */ ---------------------------------------------------- "Please leave youre name, phone #, time you called, and favorite color of underware. we'll get back to you if we like the color." ---------------------------------------------------- Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general: "Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?" ---------------------------------------------------- My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing representative", I ask: "Are you a telemarketer?" The answer (suprisingly) is usually yes. I then go into a sales pitch to sell a (nonexistant) telephone ear-cusion. I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort. Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything. ---------------------------------------------------- "And this is the sound the aliens made..." (BEEP!) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- waste their time: Have a tape recording of your self going: "Yes (pause) uh huh (pause) hmmm (pause) mmm, yeah (pause) ..." repeated indefinitley. As soon as you realize that it's a telephone solictor you turn on the recording, put it by the speaker and leave. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Have fun: Ask them very personal or bizare questions. If it's the opposite sex pretend that you earnestly want to date them. Treat tem as if they're the last source of information on giraffe breeding and you MUST have the details. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hi, this is ______________...I'm not here anymore because I've committed suicide--so if it's about any money I owe you, I'll see you in Hell!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- "You have reached (recites number here). No one is available to speak with you right now because we either are not here or don't feel like picking up the phone. If you are a burglar, we have two hungy dobermans downstairs for your convenience." ------------------------------------------------------------- Currently I answer my phone, "Kimona Ackapiecesay!" >From the AT&T commercial where the guy calls Fiji? I have no clue as to what it means, but it never fails to confuse people. ------------------------------------------------------------- My answering machine reads, with spooky music in the background, or Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor, "Hello. You have reached xxx-xxxx,otherwise known as the epicenter of the universe. No one is available right now, but, if you'll leave your name, phone number, mastercard or visa number, sexual preference, and message, your deity of choice will get back to you as soon as is. . .humanly possible. Thank you very much, and have a nice life." ------------------------------------------------------------- Friend of mine (Known as "K", to protect the innocent - me, not him!) has anodd one. Picks up phone, says hello, says K isn't here right now - oh, is that him under the table? No, somebody else. Oh well. Leave a message, I'll getit to him. (Walkman is playing heavy metal into machine microphone all thistime.) ----------------------------------------------------- < Lick It...Stuff it in> <Lick it... Stuff it in> < Lick it.. Stuff it in> As you can hear, John and Cathy are busy mailing letters, please leave a message at the ton...... ---------------------------------------------------- in Michelangelo's voice: Hi, dudes, this is 031 343 xxxx. This is the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.' ---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------- Answering machines. Nowadays almost everyone has one, complete with a snappymessage of their own device. Wait for the beep and then read on. This is a short adaptation of Simon Butler-White's and Clive Archer's "could-be" phone messages released in Australian Cleo, August 1989. (Some of them are bit old, Maggie ain't prime minister of the UK, and Kylie Minogue isn't seeing Jason Donovan anymore, but you'll get the meaning anyway,I'm sure). John McEnroe, Tennis Mouth You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by ATLEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right?You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP. ---- Sarah Ferguson, Another Royal (Giggle) Hello, this is (sound of hand being placed over receiver and a loud whisper). Andrew! What'sthat title again? What? Oh hello, this is the Duchess of York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you hear the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we'll give you a tinkle when we get back - in November. BEEP. ---- Elvis Presley, Corpse Hi. I can't come to the phone right now. Actually I can't do much of anything right now because I've been dead since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if you'd like to leave your name and number, I'll try to contact you via ouija board, Madame Zenda or garbled tape recording. This is also the number of John F. Kennedy, Adolf Hitler, Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy Orbison...BEEP. ---- Mikhail Gorbachev, Commie Birthmark Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happines and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike. BEEP. ---- Arnold Schwarzenegger, Thespian Gutten day to you. Here I'm being on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet's the latest moofie in mein strings of mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator, zen zere was za Predator...zis one's called za Laminator. Eet's about zis handyman on a mission. Eet's drama. Very funny stuff. You'll chust luff it. I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za beep. Don't say you can't. Ve haf vays off making you talk, you know. BEEP. ---- Margaret Thatcher, Iron Woman You have reached the residence of the Prime Minister at No. 10 Downing Street. When you hear the beep, sit up straight, speak clearly and distinctly and STOP doodling when you're talking to me! And Dennis, if that's you, how many time have I told you abut staying at the club after 9.30? We've been a very naughty boy, haven't we? BEEP. ---- Kylie Minogue, Singing Budgie Gee, hi, um, I'm unable to come to the phone right now cos I'm making a movie, or a video, or a new album or something, but I'll get back to you next time I'm in Australia. and if that's you Jason, I stick by what I said last night: You wear your underwear and I'll wear mine. BEEP. ---- The Pope, Spiritual Leader Bless you my child. This is John Paul Ringo...heh heh, I tell a liddle Beatles choke, yes? I'm out kissing airport runways (hey, so would you if you flew Boeing) and am unable to pontificate at present. Please leave your name and number when you hear the amen and I'll get back to you, God willing. BEEP. ---- [to the tune of "I'm not your stepping stone"] "I I I I I'm just an answering machine... I said 'a I I I I I'm just an answering machine. BEEP." -------------------------------- "Thank you for calling XXX-XXXX. If you wish to speak to Tim push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything but it is a good way to work off anger and makes us feel like we have a big time phone system." ---------------------------- I hate these machines, as much as you. But try as we might, the cats just won't do. The scratches they cause, Holding the phone with their paws, Only leave

[chan] general
Feb 8 16:13

We have a God who bought us with the blood of his Son so that we who are destined may be conformed to the image of his Son and glorify him. Because the preceding post glorifies the sinful humor of man I find it unworthy of consideration. Let us glorify God and seek after beautiful and praiseworthy communication.

[chan] general
Feb 8 16:18

We are tired of your retarded crap.

[chan] general
Feb 8 17:02

Because the preceding post glorifies the sinful filthiness of a vile and unregenerate man I find it unworthy of consideration. Let us glorify God and seek after beautiful and praiseworthy communication.

[chan] general
Feb 8 17:07

[chan] general

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