Jul 22 14:44 [raw]
::::::::: ::::::::: ::: ::: ::::::::: : ::: :: :: :: :: ::: ;: :: :: :: ::::::: :: :: :::::: :: ::: :: :: :: :: :::: :: :: ::: :: :::: :: :::::::: ::::::::::                         ]                            [               ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ PREMIERE PHOTO OPORTUNITY FRESH START CYBER BONUS HYPER ISSUE!!!! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ April 7-8 1993 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ + DISCLAIMER + +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ By reading anything after this section you are legally saying to the world that You are a disgustingly apathetic net-geek. You refuse to care how other people express themselves as long as they are expressing themselves. You're saying, Hey! I know that this E-Zine probably has cussing, lewd remarks and other stuff like that, but Hey! I live for that and I wouldn't ever sue anyone who uploaded this, printed this, distributed this, or most importantly took any part in publishing this. Okay? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ===================================================== ==================================== ==================== \ ==== / O\ == /O == == ---\ == /--- \ [(==)] / \ / |_________________| /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ \/\ / \ / \/\/\/\/\/\/\/ -=[NOTICE]=- If you recieved this file via an InterNET FTP site or your local BBS you should have recieved it with the cover .gif file. If you recieved it via our InterNET mailing list you did not get the gif file!! If you want the cover gif send a disk (any kind other than flopticle or audio!!!) to: True Cyberpunk Box 5659 Rock Hill SC, 19733 Include two US stamps and a suitable envelope (pre addressed) or I will gladely accept your gift diskette as my own!!! :) -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- I have come to find that many of you out there want to be CyberPunks, or think that you are already CyberPunks. Well posers here is the easy to read monthly installed, wire your nutz, guide on becoming a CyberPunk. It will be written in the form of rules, and what myself and friends of mine have x-perianced. Here we go: RULE #1: Everything is BullShit. This is bullshit. Rules are bull shit. Anyone who tells you what to be is an a$$h0l3. This article is stupid and inane. It's entertainment, and in the American tradition of entertainment. THIS IS BULLSHIT. RULE #2: Dealing With CyberJerkz A CyberJerk is an idiot who thinks he/she/it is the biggest hardcore motherfucker around. They are wrong. They haven't met me. <g>. This is bullshit. Anyone who takes themselves that seriously needs a pineapple up there a$$! RULE #3: AVOID WORK AT ALL COSTS Boo Boo, sayz "Avoid work as much as possible. Sure you loose sleep when you finally do have to work, and feel completely miserable, but; hey, being lazy has more satisfaction than any real accomplishment could hold." RULE #4: WORKING WHEN YOU'RE MADE TO DO IT BY THE MAN BY WHITIE BY THE OPPRESSOR (you get the idea) Never do your best. That's just a setup for disappointment. Think about it. If you do your entire best now. Then you'll have to work harder next time, and working harder means less time for bull5h1t. Always apply minimal effort. Always make their clock fit yours. Always take LOTS of breaks. The doughnuts at BiLo are good. that's it. RULE #5: THE PROPER USE OF KEROSENE AND OTHER FLAMMABLES. Sadly enuf, our society is for the most part so boring and confining that the best fun is usually reduced to cheap sex, and arson (petty theft, minor destruction, and cruelty to stupid people are allowable substitutes). Cross reference with Big Black's / Atomizer / Kerosene. RULE #6: WE HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF RULE #6 YET. Thinking is for idiots or people who haven't found better things to do. And now boys and girls, it's time for a story from the underground. ------------------------------------------------------------------- So here we were passing through South Carolina when what did we happen to come across? None other than the infamous MAN LAND, otherwise known as the Catawba Nuclear Facility. Amidst the orange smoke and the slightly mauve sky there was the ever present allure of the main gate to the facility. The sign said, "Quality and Safety Go Hand in Hand." We knew they were lying when we saw the radiation testing equipment out lounging in the grass and the three legged dog licking its wounds by the cooling unit. We came prepared for photo documentation of our exploits, and the air was alkaline as we drove down the back road to the rear security gate. This was the corporate ogre that held down the brethren. The first photograph was of Nomad taking a leak on the security fence, but we soon discovered that despite the presence of a full moon, there wasn't enough light. By the harsh glare of the '78 Dodge Aspen's headlights, Bear took a picture of me emptying my bladder on the chained gate. We should have known better than to burn the headlights so long. As I was taking quite possibly the longest piss I had ever had, I noticed the plane rising on the horizon. At first I thought nothing, but my god was it moving in fast...straight for us. "For God's sake, run!" Zip up, shut up, and hop in the car. Christ, the plane had to be moving at least 60 miles an hour, and very low to the ground. Point of interest: no planes are allowed to fly over such facilities except for plant security and police. We were in deep doo doo. We hauled ass out of there fast and proceeded into Inbred Land, a realm almost as frightening as the Man's domain. We turned around and stopped for a photo opportunity, we knew security was closing in, but hey, the smoke was pouring out at hellacious speeds and it looked really great. Besides, it had to be worth at least 1.3% of the cost of getting arrested. As we rocketed out of Inbred Land a mutie ran out in front of the car. It was covered in fur, had huge feet, long ears, and a white ass. Bear pressed down on the gas, "We can't let this escape into society, imagine all the innocent deaths!!!". "I've got to Kill it, I've got to kill it!" As the Dodge lunged on its heels it leered its face around. "Oh my god, STOP, Its cute!" Boo Boo screamed. He then jerked the wheel and almost caused us to capsize. Unfortunately, the picture of the beast was too blurred and hideous to publish here, maybe when you're older kids. We then noticed one plane and one helicopter up in the sky. Being extremely thick skulled and foolish, we ventured into the plant. "Safety and Quality Go Hand In Hand." Yes, true, but this was obviously no place of affection. This time a truck was circling the lot, and we decided to go ahead and get the fuck out of there. We heard the loudspeaker come on, and then we knew that it was not a photo opportunity anymore. Bear drove up to the rear gate, Nomad was laughing hysterically, I was wondering if that plane had a macro scope, and if they had me urinating on film. At that point a big, gold stamped, security vehicle tooled by at about 80 miles an hour. "Say he's going down that back road isn't he?" More hysterical laughter, this time shared by everyone. Lacking lucidity and sheer common sense, we decided to affirm our suspicion and drive back down that road. We wanted to know that our presence was observed. We pulled into an expensive neighborhood, and while looking at the Man's lavish homes, we dropped our guard, and stopped watching the skies. When we turned around, we saw the plane about 100 feet above us, with flashing blue lights. All this for petty trespassing and urination? "Holy shit!" The accelerator roared and we proceeded to haul booty while screaming insanely. The Man was casing us something fierce. To make a long story short, we ditched the plane and decided to go straight home and cut our losses. Sure, we didn't steal any rad badges or come out of there with any evidence of mutation, or really accomplish much of anything...so why did we risk arrest (worse yet, anybody ever hear of police cover up? "Let's just take these boys around back and teach 'em a lesson.") To put it simply, just for the hell of it. We didn't have anything better to do and thinking was out of the question. Beside's, you can't imagine the seduction this place holds. An unbelievable thrill. And that's the double truth, Ruth. Boo Boo ----------------------------------------------------------------------- This issue of "True Cyberpunk" was brought to you by: Moore's Buttered Popcorn and Nachos Gatoraid Original Flavor Ramen Noodles Sunoco Gas Inc. The Catawba Nuclear Plant and Energy Quest McDonalds and the letter 'u'. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Special Thanks to: Big Black, Bruce Sterling, William Gibson, Issac Asimov, Elvis, Spam, Log, Velveeta, and all our processed food friends. V8 (Engines and Drinks), Dodge, The United States Armed Forces, The penzoil Racing Team, Nascar, Stunts Int. Flannel, IBM, Panasonic, Internet, JVC, Katsuhiro Otomo, Akira Kurosaga, Boo Boo sends greets to, Kyo and her Yakuza friends, Mr. Martyka, (Hi Paul), Davy 'Stalker' Wentworth, Clarence, Thurston, Buffy, Chad, William Shallert, Patty Duke, Eddie from the CCI Get Smart Prison Education Program, Amedeo (No more check forgery, please), Harry, Dan (Stay off the pot and stop calling in bomb threats at Clemson. Eventually they will press charges), Henry and Ottis, all Glen Danzig bands, and Shuttlecock. Bear sends a paw to, K&M Pets, South side Inbreeding, Jim, Paula, and itty bitty baby Emily, The Freak Floor, all laser light operators, INSOC, Kyle 'TopGun' Harrison, The Spartanburg Police Force, The CIA (You don't have me yet! Im back on the NET!), and Abe Lincoln. Nomad wishes to thank his pillow --------------------------------------------------------------------- The "True Cyberpunk" Staff Roster Boo Boo Bear Nomad and Thrash --------------------------------------------------------------------- APPENSION (Added May 8 1993) Well the cover advertised 'Photo's to prove it all'. Well our photographer (and on staff clutz) fouled up the photos! We know he didn't do it deliberatly so we won't hound him here! So in order to save space the photos that came out as grey fields with white dots in them have been left out!! But anyway we all still hoped you enjoyed it! Peace and Love! Bear - editor APPENSION (Added today) I went back and got a better picture of where we were look for it in an upcoming issue, it may be a cover!